I never thought that I would receive the Stigmata. When I first heard about it it was in relation to the greatest saints who ever lived. I thought of it in awe - as something far away.

But then things came nearer in relation to God. I began to ascend the mystical path of union with Him, and this brought about many graces, most of which I also once thought of in awe and far away. For instance, the betrothal to Christ in January, 1978 where I received three rings of Light from Him.

After that, other phenomenal things happened. I was soon at a point where I could believe that the most incredible things could happen even to me. The Stigmata became less remote, but still a momentous goal. Perhaps it was impossible.

The things that I read about the Stigmata discouraged the idea that anyone should HOPE to attain it. The Priests and teachers with whom I spoke about the Stigmata told me one should never wish for pain, and that the saints never prayed for the Stigmata.

However, in my studies I found that saints did pray for the Stigmata, and reparatory pain was one of the greatest graces one could have and therefore should pray for. I began to suspect that those who cautioned me against it spoke for themselves. It was they who were affraid of pain, they who feared the Stigmata and therefore justified their own aversion toward attaining it.

I dug into the lives of the saints and found the two that I would most follow in this regard: St. Francis of Assisi and St. Gertrude the Great. St. Gertrude, in particular, fascinated me as I found in her the example of exalted wisdom in the love of God. She was one I could follow anywhere, any time. Whereas St. Francis was more difficult to follow because his life was renouncement of all physical things, but St. Gertrude's example focused in on PRAYER. Her style and example of prayer I could follow and did follow vehemently.

Both St. Francis of Assisi and St. Gertrude the Great prayed for the Stigmata. At the time I was ready I opened their books to the appropriate places, underlined them and left them open to be recited daily. I had made a resolution that one way or another God would answer my prayer. Surely I could lose nothing by praying.

It was two or three months after I started praying that it happened. Wonder of wonders, I did not recognize the Stigmata until a month later! I am still shocked that God heard me so quickly, but I have come to believe this, that God is pleased when we are willing to accept sufferings for the sake of love!

I began to recite first this prayer daily in honor of St. Gertrude, which is recommended in her book:

"O most sweet Lord Jesus Christ, I praise, extol and bless Thee, in union with that heavenly praise which the Divine Persons of the Most Holy Trinity mutually render to each other, and which thence flows down upon Thy sacred Humanity, upon the Blessed Virgin Mary and upon all the angels and saints. And I give Thee thanks for all the graces thou didst lavish upon Thy beloved spouse, St. Gertrude. I thank Thee especially for that ineffable love wherewith Thou didst pre-elect her from all eternity, didst enrich her so highly, didst draw her so sweetly to Thyself by the strongest bonds of love, didst unite her so blissfully to Thyself, dwell with such delight in her heart, and crown her life with so blessed an end. I recall to Thee now, O most compassionate Jesus, the promise Thou didst make to Thy beloved spouse, that Thou wouldst most assuredly grant the prayers of all who come to Thee through her merits and intercession, in all matters concerning their salvation. I beseech Thee, by Thy most tender love, grant me the grace OF RECEIVING HER GRACES which I confidently expect. Amen."

I said this prayer daily for one month before reciting the prayer for the Stigmata, and it gave me courage to take the next step.

I also recited St. Francis's prayer at the time of seeking the Stigmata, as follows:

"O Lord Jesus Christ, I entreat you to give me two graces before I die: First, that in my lifetime I may feel in body and soul as far as possible the pain you endured, dear Lord, in the hour of your most bitter suffering; and second, that I may feel in my heart as far as possible that excess of love by which you, o son of God, were inflamed to undertake so cruel a suffering for us sinners."

St. Gertrude's prayer equivalent to that was:

"O Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the living God, grant that I may aspire towards Thee with my whole heart, with yearning desire and with thirsting soul, seeking only Thy sweetness and Thy delights, so that my whole mind and all that is within me may ardently sigh to Thee, who art our true Beatitude.

"O MOST MERCIFUL LORD, ENGRAVE THY WOUNDS UPON MY HEART WITH THY MOST PRECIOUS BLOOD, THAT I MAY READ IN THEM BOTH THY GRIEF AND THY LOVE; AND THAT THE MEMORY OF THY WOUNDS MAY EVER REMAIN IN MY INMOST HEART, TO EXCITE MY COMPASSION FOR THY SUFFERINGS AND TO INCREASE IN ME THY LOVE. GRANT ALSO THAT i MAY DESPISE ALL CREATURES, AND THAT MY HEART MAY DELIGHT IN THEE ALONE. AMEN."

It continues in the booklet of St. Gertrude:

"This prayer," writes Gertrude, "pleased me very much. I memorized it and recited it frequently. One afternoon, during the same winter..... I suddenly became conscious that Our Lord had deigned to hear me. I felt, O my God, how Thou didst imprint on my heart Thy adorable Wounds, even as they are on Thy Sacred Body. Not withstanding my exceeding unworthiness, Thy infinite bounty has even to this hour preserved therein the impression."

St. Gertrude's Stigmata was interior; the engraving of Christ's Wounds on the heart, while St. Francis's manifested on the body. It seemed to me that St. Gertrude's grace would be more practical for me, and that it would be beneficial to have the interior grace with all its effects without having the outside Wounds to cripple and incapacitate me.

I wouldn't mind having the outside Wounds, if it were God's will for me, but I don't believe it was at this time.

There is a gap in literature on the subject of this grace. This is one of the reasons I am so anxious to produce this book, to share with all my encounter with the justice of God which inflicts these Wounds. Although I call them Wounds, do not consider them, in my case, as something bleeding and ripped inside. Understand "Wounds" as something metaphysical, but none the less real. Remember that the greatest pain is not physical, but that which is of the heart and soul. The memory of physical pain passes, but the GROWTH which the Stigmata begets never passes, and within this growth there is a capacity for love and pain as never before.

Since I am so hard pressed to explain the phenomenon of this grace, I will have to draw upon another discipline - that of Yoga - to try and explain it. Although it is not a part of Catholic Science, from time to time the Catholic faith does draw into itself other sciences as they come along into our understanding. For instance, technology is now used to explain a lot of things that saints once theorized in religious terms, and even psychology, which studies the mind and has nothing to do with theology is now incorporated into our Catholicism. So I see nothing wrong in bringing into the picture what Hindu Yogis call the Chakras.

THE STIGMATA FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF THE CHAKRAS

Before I go into the explanation of the chakras I must mention that I knew nothing of them until a short time ago, and so my attainment of the Stigmata had nothing to do with Yoga. Prayer was my only method of attainment, as I mentioned. Since learning about the chakras I think they present worthwhile knowledge which will help us understand the "engraving of Christ's Wounds on the heart."

A WORD OF CAUTION

The book that I take my chakra information out of is Theosophy, so a word of caution about studying non-Catholic books. Extract the good out of them, but spit out the bad, which is their doctrine. No doctrine is without error except the Catholic Faith. There are many books on the market which include Hindu Theology but cloak themselves under different names. For instance, Theosophy as mentioned, the Rosicrucians (supposedly their roots are in Egypt, and perhaps they are. They say they are not a religion but insist upon a doctrine, similar to Hindu.) and besides that many books on metaphysics, mind power, psychic training and the like which for some reason incorporate some of the Hindu beliefs.

So of course, they are teaching that Christ is not God, but merely a prophet (and some of these men lower Christ's teaching to their own limited intelligence!) and Our Blessed Mother isn't venerated at all, which is a monstrosity in my book. They believe in reincarnation, and therefore no Purgatory since, according to there method, the soul is punished for its sins by reincarnating in continuous vessals until it is pure enough to enter heaven.

I say nothing bad about Mr. Leadbeater or his book. He was a true mystic for he studied all his life for the attainment of God. My only difference with him is on points of doctrine.

On the other books I have much to criticize. They promulgate "tricks of the trade" taken out of Yoga and other esoteric teachings, but they are not Yogis or mystics. Both Yogis and mystics have for their true goal the attainment of God AT THE EXPENSE OF ALL ELSE.

Many of these metaphysicisns have Westernized Yoga in this way: "Yoga works, so let's use it in getting all the money and power we want!" And so they pray recklessly, getting out of God the things THEY want, not necessarily what God wants (do they care what God wants?) and they teach others that God doesn't mind! God has created everything just so we - who are smart - can take all we want! There's enough for everyone, so take, take, take! What do they want to take that is more important than taking God - who is ALL HAPPINESS? For "What profit a man if he gains the world but loses his immortal soul?"

In other words, to put it bluntly these people are not very far evolved. They have learned the use of psychic power and mind over matter for the limited use of material/physical things. Peace of mind? That is the last of their priorities, for they feel like Pagans that peace of mind comes with the territory of material and personal acquisition! This is all nonsense.

And so, of course, their prayers are dangerous, for they pray OUTSIDE THE WILL OF GOD. Thank God, all their prayers do not bring upon themselves punishment but only the physical material things they want. (The great tragedy here is that you are WASTING your prayers. Instead of attaining more of God, you gain the world, which is DUST.)

Often they do not call prayer by its name. It is visualization. It is demand upon the eternal storehouse, the eternal fount which waits to give all. But I will tell you this - visualization is what people are doing every day, and so is demand. They do it with their minds and imaginations, and when persistently done, just as the books say, they bring to the recipient what she wants. This is not mysticism, this is not spiritual evolution, and this does not bring oneself closer to God. It is the manipulation and direction of energy.

Mystics also know how to employ mind over matter and manipulation and direction of energy - in fact, they are the ones who know most about it - but not to serve the physical self. It is for the things of God, for one's soul and the salvation of others that this is used. Therein lies the difference between Yogis and mystics and these lowminded mind over matter buffs. These fellows - some of them - have psychic powers and knowledge of the occult. Some of them are in the state of illumination. Psychic powers OF THEMSELVES mean nothing. Occult things the devil knows of very well. The state of illumination is the absolute beginning of God's revelation to man, the infancy of his progress. Mysticism only comes to be after the unitive state, which is the state of purgation and suffering.

Having said these words of caution to those who want to study self development in relation to God, I go on with my treatise.

THE CHAKRAS

W.C. Leadbeater has written an excellent book called "THE CHAKRAS," from which I gain my information. He explains, in a non abstract way, how POWER can force itself through the body, causing great pain and even injury, but also causing the beneficent awakening of the ENERGY CENTERS within the body. This power, like a fire, is called the Kundalini, and those energy transmitters are Chakras.

Yogis meditate on the kundalini fire and do exercises to awaken it, causing it to stir from its latency, course through a certain channel in the body, piercing through the energy sources, awakening them and enhancing them with power as never before. Some of this stimulation, on the positive side causes all the psychic powers to come full force. Some of it causes damage if the person isn't ready and well protected, and may even result in degeneracy.

It can be physically painful as the book explains kundalini feels like FIRE which burns through the etheric dross. In other words, the negative being burned out causes great pain.

Mr. Leadbeater explains the human soul as being composed of several vehicles among which is the physical body, but including the etheric and astral bodies. These centers of energy exist within those latter bodies, and from there hook up to the physical close to the nerve centers and glands. The kundalini fire works the same way, coursing through the non physical, but contained within the physical body.

Within the chakras energy is received from the eternal realm, and is transmitted to the body. By these centers we also receive and give energy to other created life.

There are seven main transformers or energy centers. From the bottom they are the most elementary, ending in the top of the head which is the most evolved and powerful. They are the Root Chakra, the Spleen, (Yogis do not call this Spleen but Svadhisthana, which is near the generative organs. For some reason, the Theosopher prefers not to deal with this chakra and uses spleen instead), the Solar Plexus (He calls it the navel), The Heart, the Throat, the Pituitary (Brow) and the Pineal (Crown) Centers.

Each center has its own source of power and function. For instance, the lower centers pick up, use and translate lower energies, which can be directed by the will and used higher up. The spleen and the heart chakras are the personality/emotional centers, which pick up intermediate impulses, while the higher are the mental centers, the throat (lower mental center), and the topmost which deal directly with the soul and psychic powers - pituitary and pineal centers.

The kundalini sounds at one point as if it comes from the Holy Spirit and another as if it were of the devil. This is because it awakens the WHOLE person, and all the good and bad that there may be. It may cause healing or damage, elevation or downward pull, pain and bliss, and this sounds awfully much like the awakening and punishment of the Stigmata in the heart.

Some of the BAD effects are the overstimulation of the genital area, swelling of pride and ambition when mental centers are touched, great pain in the body as it flashes through, sometimes tearing tissue and even destroying life! Mr. Leadbeater says that one must have a strong and healthy body before the kundalini fire is awakened.

One comparison perhaps could be made in saying that power, health and wealth can be used for both evil and good purposes, depending on the will of the recipient. In the same way, kundalini awakening creates a more alive and energetic instrument. What then one does with that vitality is personal. Some may waste it, as those who squander their health and strength on HEDONISM and MATERIALISM and VANITY, while others may use it for God and therefore, their own greatest good.

In Yoga it is used to raise the consciousness to God. There are seven schools of Yoga recognized in India, and all of them recognize and try to develop the chakras.

Obviously then, in spite of all its bad effects when not employed properly, kundalini stimulation and chakra awakening are highly essential for good. What we know about through prayer and devotion, the Hindus include in prayer and devotion the willful stimulation and discipline of the body.

Our relationship with God consciously speaking, has to do with an inner, not an outer world. That is why the centers are necessary to explore. Mystical theology is that science which draws a conscious union with God, not an unconscious one which all people have. So now we are talking about the same experience; the spiritual relationship with God, as approached by two different disciplines, that of Yoga and the Catholic Masters.

Now about the awakening of the centers and their good effects: The awakening of the astral body is largely an unconscious matter. The centers awaken one at a time, from the lowest to the highest, causing more and more astral activity or travel, and an increased awareness concerning those experiences. The astral body has no sense organs, but the whole body is sensitive to all stimulation and can record, when fully awakened, what it has known by experience. That is, in its own way, without the use of organs, it has seen, heard, felt where it has been. As the chakras blossom, one by one, they transmit their particular power to the WHOLE astral body, so that you can employ the work of the five senses through ANY point in the astral body.

The author explains a difference in the astral body and the etheric body, and the next step after unconscious development is to stimulate the kundalini fire and cause it to move through all the etheric centers one by one, for once this is done, we can not only remember what we have experienced, but be able to do more, see more, know more. Now we develop our extrasensory powers to the fullest.

The kundalini is awakened at its home base, the Root Chakra. From then it goes on to the Spleen, where one begins to recall astral projections.

Next is the Navel (Solar Plexus), where one discerns both good and evil influences one is in contact with.

THEN THERE IS THE HEART, WHICH MAKES A PERSON AWARE OF THE JOYS AND SORROWS OF OTHERS AND SOMETIMES EVEN CAUSE BY EMPATHY A SHARING OF THOSE JOYS AND SORROWS.

The fifth (the Throat) gives one clairaudience, the sixth (the Brow or pituitary) clairvoyance. The final step is to be able to leave one's body and return without going unconscious, and when one has reached that plateau death is a conscious transition rather than an envelopment in sleep. This is the Crown Chakra or pineal center. (I think one has to go unconscious physically both in complete projection and in death, but that's how the author explains it.)

Here is how I believe the Stigmata happens from the point of view of chakras. I would say that the heart center is stimulated to a degree that it causes intense pain. Then, besides that, energy is drawn from the head centers (throat, pituitary and pineal) until these are drained. Then when the head and heart centers are exhausted to the point that they can draw no more energy from an eternal realm they have to "fall down" and draw upon the natural forces of the body which are generated by the lower chakras. (Here you have the problem of the sex glands being stimulated, causing lust. They have been in the dormant state, for these transmitters were quiet while the upper ones were totally in effect. Now they must come back into action as emergency generators.) There is also a tendency to be drawn to people, not only because of the lust, but because they are transmitters of energy which one now sorely needs. (This is interpreted by the personality as the need for comfort, solace and diversion.)

That, in essence, is the history of the interior Stigmata. I say nothing about the physical manifestation of the Stigmata because I know nothing about it.

THE STIGMATA FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF PSYCHOLOGY

There is another point of view that I would like to state and that is from modern psychology. It coiincides readily with the chakra theory.

Psychology teaches that we grow and develop until we come to adulthood and then we become genitally oriented. After that, realyzing that it isn't good to show one's primitive sexuality, one learns to sublimate that genital energy to higher points of activity. These are the activities upon which civilization is built.

But when a person goes through a traumatic experience which she is incapable of handling - and this could be mental or physical or both - she can have a BREAKDOWN. After this breakdown can occur the REGRESSION of the personality and behavior of the individual, when the person can no longer function on such a high level as before. So from the point of view of psychology you would call the Stigmata breakdown and regression. Psychology does not even try to go into what GOOD could eventually come out of a breakdown, but anyone who has gone through a normal breakdown knows the LEARNING that comes out of it and the CAUTION toward future stress. Not all breakdowns are Stigmatas - but the Divine Stigmata can resemble a breakdown. (One must be consumed by Christ or a Christ Figure before one is capable of receiving the Divine Stigmata.)

THE STIGMATA FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

Last of all, I would like to embroider upon the Stigmata from the personal experience point of view, which should be most interesting to my readers who think they may have gone through with this or who are thinking of attaining it. Perhaps hints may be brought out here on truth which cannot be explained deeply enough through theories.

To understand the Stigmata you must concentrate on Christ's love. Now you are going to participate in that love. Neither St. Francis, nor St. Gertrude, nor I, prayed to God for affliction and pain of itself. The prayer for the Stigmata is to KNOW, to UNDERSTAND Christ's love by PARTICIPATION.

Participation or sharing of a thought or feeling is the only way you can really understand it. It becomes a part of you. How can you understand something you have no subjective experience of? Objective things are far away. How can we understand God, for instance, untill He dwells is us by grace? We can't. Before we are awakened or reborn through grace God is outside and we do not understand Him because He is not in us.

There were so many steps leading to the Stigmata but I will tell you only a few. There developed a NEED to bestow my love and God's love - which were one and the same - upon a man. I saw that his life depended on it; therefore the need became consuming. My heart welled up in size, for to contain great love your heart center has to expand. The energy of love fills up the center with such force that it simply JOLTS the whole area into abnormal consciousness.

I had a friend who is a United States Marine. I started doing readings on his soul. God showed me in a vision at the early part of my ministry that he would die young, and if I would not help him, he'd be lost. Christ was acting through me. He needed my body as an instrument.

Now I contained within myself this love which would save the man, but it was not easily deliverded. It took WORK. Visibly, outwardly, he never received it. Understand clearly the state of one who is NOT SAVED and the potential of evil that person may contain. See the resistance to grace there has to be and the dominion that the Satanic has over such a soul. For no sinner can reject God and go his own way. He belongs to Hell. There are only two Kingdoms - God's and Satan's, and to Satan's Kingdom belong all those who resist the grace of God.

This Satanic Kingdom fights for its own. It claims its province, its dominion, which is the souls in hell and hell on earth, the souls devoid of grace.

The minute you tamper with this soul which has GIVEN ITSELF to Satan through sin you fight no man alone, but demonic forces. The extent of that force is determined by how low that soul has suken down. There could be seven demons, there could be fifty, and there could be legion. And you - that single soul will now be repulsed by the Satanic force which holds him captive.

At the time I ministered to this man I already had, for many years, my spiritual/psychic centers awakened, increasingly so as I gained union with God. That means I had foresight or precognition of what would happen, that I could already feel the repulsion and the force before the man indicated rejection in physical terms.

It has happened to me more than once that before meeting certain people their "dark force" or shadow would come to me first. (A low astral body.) But it turned out these were people I would attempt to save. I have read of Padre Pio fighting monstrous demons the night before a great sinner would come to him for confession.

My battle for this U.S. Marine Sergeant started seven days before the Stigmata - the night after his first visit to my house. My calendar says.

"DEMON WAKES ME UP - A MURDERER." This was no astral body but a separate and aggressive demonic spirit.

On Oct. 1 I have written in my diary, put down a short time later: "It was close to this time that Satan began to threaten me profusely. First, saying he would make the Marine strangle me. I argued that I would see him only in public, but the demon showed me now he could excite him to the point that he would call me up saying, 'If you refuse to see me alone, I will shoot you in the street.'

That part about shooting me in the street was most frightening and caused me to falter. I began to wonder was this really worth it? Was I meddling in something none of my business?

I have never suffered so many emotional pains as with this case; intense fear, intense love back an forth. I believe it is this involvement of the emotions that has made me lose my mystical vision or impaired it. The readings here are lucid. Later on they are so mixed up that I throw out a great number."

On Oct. 5th I was doing one of the many readings on his soul, this time with Rudolph Valentino (who has long been ascended in heaven.) On this night Rudy disclosed to me THE MARINE IS GAY. Things now fell into place. No wonder he cooled off AFTER he found out I was psychic! No wonder he wasn't calling back, and no wonder demons were visiting me! It all suddenly made sense and now I was filled with overwhelming pity for the man - captive of Satan, and how could he get help?

On the night of Oct. 7th and morning of Oct. 8th (around midnight) which was to be the day of the Stigmata I received a revelation that would decide the course of the ministry. I was tormented back and forth between the feelings of reaching out to him in love and backing off. Demons were now constantly threatening and I could hear them especially well at night. Since I am psychic they could reach me by telepathy, and since this was my ministry I had to listen! (Usually you program yourself never to hear these spirits and they can't afflict you. But sometimes you must become aware of them and fight them for the sake of gaining merit.) They kept saying they would make the Marine kill me and stimulated my imagination in many ways of how it could happen, so that I could almost see it. I became shaky with fear, my resolve melting away. Was it really so important to mess with this guy? Why not just leave him alone? After all, this was my LIFE we were talking about! Finally I even thought maybe it was too late - maybe he would decide to return my calls and get together, fall madly in love, and then kill me if I rejected him! I would have to somehow erase myself out of his mind! You see the kinds of intense thoughts that were racing through my brain.

At my lowest ebb God LIFTED me into a Light, and this is what I saw: The Marine would die young, in Nicaragua. It would be an act of war, he would be shot (probably in the head.) Before that time, if I did not help him, no one would, and he would die in sin. He would never have know what LOVE was.

As soon as I saw this Light, which was intense and lifted my consciousness into it, I knew the demons were lying. For if that was his destiny - then he could not kill me, because if he did so, he could not stay in the Marine Corps.

This logic, together with my compassion for him, cemented my resolve not to give up, and the demons were defeated. They did not RETREAT but they were dead as far as I was concerned, for I wouldn't back off.

This is a perfect example of how God annihilates darkness with Light. The darkness presents itself with concepts which may seem true, but when you see the Light, you know they can't be true. Truth destroys Satan.

This vision overwhelmed me emotionally, and I cried with grief and shame. I felt like a coward. Here this man would die for our country - which included me - and I was too affraid to help him! I was backing off because of the danger to myself! What kind of love did I have? Did not Christ die for me? Why couldn't I take a chance? My decision was made then, that night, irrevocably. I would fight TO THE DEATH.

Now these disclosures I have made about personal experience have probavly dispelled some delusions about the Stigmata. We have brought it down to earth, made it a tangible reality rather than an unexplainable phenomenon that just STRIKES no one knows why and how. Perhaps you, too, will smile once you have read this book as I have smiled when I think of the fantasies people have regarding the Stigmata.

I am not saying I know all about the Stigmata. I don't know ALL about anything, although I have experienced many interior graces. The Stigmata and all graces from God are personal experiences which differ from soul to soul.

All relationships are different, human relationships, and those with God. One person's betrothal and marriage to Christ differs from another's, just as one person's betrothal and marriage to a spouse differs from another's. But what I have lived through, thank God, has given me more insights into the unitive state, the Stigmata, and all relationships of love than I could ever have had had I not lived through the experience.

I am almost now in this writing at the day of the Stigmata. Before I go into it I want to make one more point clear. That is, why a man? Why couldn't God appear to me as He did to St. Francis, for instance, as explained in his biography?:

"On a certain morning about the feast of the Exaltation of the Cross, while Francis was praying on the mountainside, he saw a Seraph with six fiery and shinning wings descend from the height of heaven. And when in swift flight the Seraph had reached a spot in the air near the man of God, there appeared between the wings the figure of a man crucified, with his hands and feet extended in the form of a cross and fastened to a cross. Two of the wings were lifted above his head, two were extended for flight and two covered his whole body. When Francis saw this, he was overwhelmed and his heart was flooded with a mixture of joy and sorrow. He rejoiced because of the gracious way Christ looked upon him under the appearence of the Seraph, but the fact that he was fastened to a cross pierced his soul with a sword of compassionate sorrow."

Now my equivalent to Francis's vision was the light God took me into to show me the destiny of the Marine. It was a few hours after that that my heart expanded with love and sorrow. You could say that at this point I experienced the extremes of Christ's love and grief: Love for the Marine He wanted to save, and grief at not being able to bestow His love.

But to make the final point about why a man? Why not just a symbolic vision, and then the Stigmata, like St. Francis is this: It was Men with St. Francis too! God didn't stigmatize him - men did - just as God did not crucify Christ, men did.

I have symbolic visions about what people do to me all the time. Sometimes I do not see the person, but a devil, or an angel, or Christ. Often, when God allows us to be persecuted and crucified by men, it is He Himself that wants it, and then, often, you will see God doing something to you in a vision instead of a human being. This is to show the GRACE you receive by the persecution, the closeness that you attain to God by it. Some of the greatest graces from God come to us by way of the worst persecutions of men.

But about St. Francis: I had read his life twice, before and after my Stigmata. Afterward I saw another story of why he got the Stigmata. I did a reading for further insights and got these answers form the Highest of my soul:

"It was the order. St. Francis would implement the full force of his love through the order. But toward the end of his life the order was falling apart - or seeming to be. This was the repulsion of his love. The brothers who should have loved him were instead stabbing him in the back. They took his order away from him! They wouldn't obey his rule! Even the Pope wouldn't let him have his rule the way he wanted it.

No, it was not God but men that crucified him. St. Francis was totally brokenhearted because he thought that his love would be, if not completely snuffed out, then diminished in its intensity - the love he would implement through his order; that love by which he would save numerous souls."

St. Francis of Assisi was united to Christ in the aspect of His poverty, which poverty was the epicenter of Francis's personality. He saw the beauty of poverty as Lady Poverty, dressed in rags, so pitiful and good, and one whom he longed to be faithful to. His own psychic senses projected her image as the mirror image of himself - his loving counterpart, like a spouse, by whom he received love and gave love in return. This was his relationship with CHRIST.

Any disloyalty to this counterpart gave Francis tremendous pain, for it diminished both his love and his power. So it is no wonder that when he was not permitted, by the Pope, to implement his rule exactly as he had started it - this world caused him terrible pain.

Besides the Pope, there were brothers who took the order away from right under his nose. This double conspiracy, first the Pope watering it down (saying his rule was impractical) and the brothers stealing it, was the destruction of the image Francis built up.

True, it is the largest order today so one might say it is a success. True, there have been many great people in it, and are, and will be. But it would have been better.

BIG in physical terms is not necessarily GREAT in God's. God looks at charity, humility, poverty, righteousness, not NUMBERS. Some of the members of this BIG order are as much Franciscans as Bro. Elias was.

Francis concept was absolute perfection. They diluted it to a human istitution. They made it SAFE. They made it conform to worldly standards.

Those who ripped the order away from Francis were God users. They wanted to hold POSITIONS on earth in relation to God, to be known, admired, respected and taken care of because of their positions. They wanted security and love in earthly terms - not what Francis had in mind.

What Francis wanted was to "GO, SELL ALL YOU HAVE, GIVE TO THE POOR AND FOLLOW ME!"

The original order had no provisions. No one owned anything and had to beg every day. This insecurity and pain would bring them closer to God, kept them in the hands of God daily.

The institution builders changed that. They didn't want to humble themselves to the dust and live at the mercy of God and fellow man. They simply weren't holy enough. An so Francis vision inevitably came true; that the order would first be of gold, then of silver, then brass and then iron. As the image he set up deteriorated, the Light within the order dimmed.

I have the Stigmata but I am no Franciscan. By the same token, lots of these guys in the order are good, but they are not Franciscans. I am a "Gertrudian" of a "Mary of Agerdian," if anything. Francis's way has never been followed in a religion order, and that was his heartbreak. It is simply too hard - too UNUSUAL of a calling to which few people could conform physically.

St. Catherine of Siena was another case of brokenhearted seeming "failure." I read her life also before the Stigmata. Remembering, I saw more insights into her case.

In the end of her story her bigrapher said that St. Catherine died believing her life to have been a FAILURE. The two great things she had pushed for - the Pope returning to Rome and the Crusades both proved to be fiascos. After the Pope returned to Rome was the terrible SCHISM with an anti-Pope elected! No doubt Catherine felt responsible for that. And the Crusades were lost! Her two great projects ending in failure!

And that is what the Stigmata consists of: a consciousness of rejection and failure. A knowing that one's best efforts have not sufficed. St. Catherine had the interior Stigmata, and the visible wounds appeared on her body after her death.

Heartbreak can come from any number of things as the cause of the Stigmata. It can be people or projects, but it is always the work of God that "fails." For as I said, it is God within you that is Stigmatized. It is God within you that wants to save, and your personal nature receives the wounding.

To understand the Stigmata just look at Christ. Here was God - and here we are - diefied. We have this infinite power available, like Christ had, yet for some reason (according to God's plan) we are exhausted. Our personal nature FAILS like Christ "failed" when He allowed them to torture and crucify Him. And for some reason - gaining merit - God allows US - second Christs - to also fail, to be persecuted and crucified in order to gain the FINAL ASCENT. We are BROKEN in order to be RESURRECTED.

I KNEW I was going through reparatory sufferings for the Marine when the worst pain hit. It isn't only a heart experience, but a heart and head. Yet heart predominates. This has to be because the heart center is the spot of empathic love/compassion. The pain in the head follows that of the heart, in the KNOWLEDGE that the heart has failed its act of love.

Understand the mystic's position. In order to become a full/fledged mystic you have given up ALL for God. No matter if THEY reject you, or you reject them, but you are all alone. I am talking about family, friends and society. But you have gained, not only lost, for Christ promises that: A new family, a new life.

Your new family/life is supernatural. You record a higher plane. A mystic MUST entail extrasensory perception and through this perception you live in another world. But you are still an earthling who must represent Christ on earth. Your job isn't over. Christ came to suffer, not to dominate. As God lowered Himself, you must also lower yourself from that high up plane to the lower pains of human sense. That is what Our Lord has taught us.

But when you want to bestow this God Love it cannot meet its mark. It is totally beyond reason - beyond human or even ANIMAL nature that God's love can be rejected. It is DEMONIC, yet it is so.

You have never loved so much and you have never found so much resistance. It is as if all the forces of hell are emptied out to stand against you. The stronger your love gets, the stronger the resistance!

You have no other weapon but that of love! Your love has reached inhuman proportions. Your zeal has never been stronger, nor your fortitude. How long can you hold out, though, against incorrigible refusal? You cannot change the WILL of human being!

I felt the most intense pain Oct. 8th and 9th (1982), Friday and Saturday. It was a burning sensation in the heart center. It was love turned into pain. My heart felt a swelling, aching breaking sensation as if it were swelling and breakin over and over again.

On my calendar it says for Oct. 8th: "INTENSE PAIN OVER THE HEART 5:30 P.M. to 12:30 A.M."

On Oct. 9th I have: "SAME PAIN ALL DAY TILL 6:30 P.M. MASS."

I remember clearly leaving my house that Saturday for the 6:30 Mass. The pain was so terrible my CONSCIOUSNESS changed. I was taken into another place mentally, a hell-like place of the mind.

Hell is a place where there is no hope. And this case seemed hopeless. In this hell you are breaking out and there is nowhere to go. You are frustrated rather than depressed. You are thrown back, your energy is boomeranging back to you and CONSUMING you. You are eating your heart out, gnawing at your own psychological insides! You are burning up by your own force of love!

Mass was the only relief I could find on earth without taking away my merits.
From my varied mystical experiences I have found that when you go through monumental experiences - both good and bad - it affects your mind to such a degree that consciousness breaks down and is reorganized into a new way of thinking. I call this a consciousness breakdown, and this was one of those times.

I think the technical term of this change of consciousness would be being consumed by an idea. This idea takes you out of yourself into a "dark" ecstasy. Ecstasy is when you are taken out of yourself into something - dark ecstasy would be when this causes you pain. You are entranced by your pain. You can think of nothing but what you are feeling.

Many experiences, both physical and mystical, can relate to this, that one thing consumes you and all else fades into the background. The Gift of Contemplation, for instance, which I received at Easter 1981, and is one of the greatest mental gifts (if not the greatest) has that effect. Here you are consumed by the vision of the love of God and hatred of all else. This is wisdom in its totality, the trademark of this Gift. All else but God fades away and in this face of God, - intellectually - you see many revelations of the highest Truth.

On a lower scale there are physical and mental experiences which also alter one's field of consciousness, narrowing it down to one feeling or experience. Take people who are in love and entranced by each other. The whole world is an incidental. Others can be filled with paranoia or shock, and these people cannot be reached normally. Speaking to a person in an altered state of consciousness brings about a strange, delayed reaction.

In the Stigmata the love you want to bestow becomes all consuming, and the inability to bestow it drains the brain. This conflict brings about the change.

Now I ask a rhetorical question: "Why, since the Stigmata is the stimulation of the heart center and an increase of love energy through that zone, can't we just call it growth? If it is growth, isn't it more reasonable to grow slowly, in stages where we will not cause a breakdown?"

That answer arouses the central mystery of the Stigmata, and that is, that you don't want to die but you must. Christ didn't want to die, He wanted to SAVE. But human nature forced Him to die.

In the battle with the demons they want to KILL. You do not want to die, but go on living. They "kill" you by exhausting you, by never letting up even when you have the Stigmata. But in this conflict, as that of Christ, when you win you win big, and they lose all. That is why they fight so hard - because they know how humiliating defeat will be after such an all-out war.

If you did not give ALL you would fall short of the glory of Christ. We must be WILLING to die for our fellow man in order to be exactly like Him, and having the Stigmata proves it. Anything less is less glory, less merit, and perhaps not enough for someone's salvation.

You may have the FEELING of defeat, like Christ of the Cross, suffering and complaining about God leaving Him, but this is no defeat. Out ot the ashes comes new life.

How do you know you'd give your life if you have never given it? Where is your proof? Were are your scars?

There is something lasting about the Stigmata. It is, in the words of our Church concerning Sacraments, and imprinting on our character. I don't know how that would physically appear if one were to see a soul or it's energy. Perhaps you will see a scar with Light shining out of it. Whatever it is, intangibly it's visible and permanent.

The Stigmata is catastrophic. It destroys the structure of your life. Before the Stigmata I lived in a house with God, with Mary, with the angels and saints. I had such security and peace. I was happy, even though I had nothing outside, for my world within, the real world, was secure.

After the Stigmata that house was GONE. I understand now it is only the consciousness of God that you lose - but then you don't know it. You feel that you have lost the grace of God, that you are guilty of sin. You have fallen down and will never get up - maybe.

Before the Stigmata I was strong, afterward I was weak - or thought I was. I know now I wasn't, but the FEELING of power was not there. This causes innumerable tortures, as the feeling of strength
and security has gone out of every facet of your life.

But this is THE PRICE YOU PAY. It isn't easy to give your life for your friend. You may be alive physically, but in many ways you resemble the dead. You have lost the things that made your life meaningful, peaceful and happy. I believe that if the normal person received the Stigmata, she would die of it. The only thing that protects one from its fatality is HEROIC LOVE.

All my MEANINGFUL activities stopped nearly one year after the Stigmata! With physical Stigmatics obviously their activities are curtailed because of Wounds and pain. My wounds were also crippling and painful, but since they were of the soul no one even guessed what I was going through.

I am also amazed at myself praying for something I knew nothing about, but I am glad, for had I not received it, I still would know nothing about it! How can anyone imagine what she will be in for? And how quickly my prayer was answered! I am enthralled by the thought that God gifted me with one of the most meritorious graces one could ever have!

The FALL after the wounding is similar to the banishment of Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. Understand, you are not being banished for your own sins, this time, but FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S! (Isn't that the same thing Our Lord underwent?) Our first parents had EVERYTHING when they saw God in Contemplation. They had perfect happiness and peace. God was ALL. Suddenly they were condemned, and they were driven to the shallows and wastes of human sense.

We are not that exalted before the Stigmata - for Adam and Eve were incomparable saints - perhaps second to Mary - before the fall. But out state IS similar. We live in a mystical world, entranced by the qualities of God. We record higher truths, vibrations, Lights. We have peace. We have earned that peace, and it is taken away.

I want to make one other simile in relation to the Stigmata, that of the mighty ocean liner the Titanic, which sunk on its maiden voyage. It was "unsinkable" because there was a series of watertight doors that locked going from bottom up. Presumably if there was a leak, they would lock one set of doors, then another and another, and this would avoid sinking. But it didn't.

I, too, had my doors to lock. Or to put it another way, I had my spiritual centers - chakras - all different sources of Light which when one gave out, the other would compensate. Soon Light would be restored to me and that's how I stayed together.

As I said, when my heart was in trouble, it began pulling from the head centers, which are emanating from the throat, pituitary and pineal glands. I assumed that his never ending Source would not quit. What I did not anticipate was the breakdown of the instrument from exhaustion. This had never happened to me before!

The Light I was pulling from head was at an abnormal rate - more psychic energy than I had ever used. I was assuming that the force of the Light would be so strong that the Marine could not RESIST it - but he did. The second point about my collapse is this: Demons know how you are pulling Light from God. They are smart, and like all smart enemies know that the quicker way to defeat someone is to attack ON ALL FRONTS.*

They attacked my lower energy centers and what hurt the most was the genital area because lust causes BLINDNESS OF MIND. There are several ways of explaining this, and I have already given one, which is that at the end the lower areas must be used as emergency generators. But before the breakdown, they are attacking those centers.

Now the reason they were at all able to was this: I was doing exorcisms for the Marine twice daily. They were the formal ones, which demand the demons disclose what they had done to him and what they were planning to do. I followed a book which gave the rite. What I didn't anticipate ahead of time was that since the man was not in front of me the demons couldn't talk through him, they had to - at my demand - reveal themselves THROUGH MY MIND or in other words, telepathy. They had to be cause I MADE THEM! So they said things to me like,

"HE HAS A MAN. CAN'T WAIT TO GET THAT FEELING. HE IS BRASS. YOU ARE CRASS. HE IS SOLD. YOU ARE BOLD."

These things I could not hear in my normal frame of mind, but only when I was in the alpha state, usually just before I awoke. Or perhaps they answered right after the exorcism and I heard it unconsciously and then transmitted it to myself later. I often do this telepathically - I can have a conversation with someone and record their thoughts unconsciously. Then when I am in the alpha state I hear VERY CLEARLY in precise words exactly what the person was thinking. This can often be a startling bit of information! (The alpha state does not necessarily mean you are asleep, but you do have to be relaxed. It is the state of psychic awareness.)

* Understand that at the end of this ordeal you are not only drained of all the Light from your head - but also of your heart. You have NO MORE LOVE TO GIVE. You have given all, and FEEL no supernatural love until your heart is restored - rebuilt in the long, long process I will mention.

In those few words that I mentioned they revealed many things to me, if they were true. It would mean he was addicted to homosexuality, that he had a lover who was a commissioned officer, that he was sold on this idea or had sold his soul to the devil (which means consumed by sin) and that I was bold to confront this situation.

At some time during the point of these demons speaking to me I felt a vibration going right into my vagina. It seemed that the WORDS or concepts they spoke came in on that vebration. When I refused to listen, the vibration and the feeling in the genital area stopped, but when I continued listening, it started again. I had no fear at the time, for I thought myself invincible, but what they were doing was interfering with my chastity.

One of the greatest secrets of keeping one's chastity is to allow those centers to go to sleep - go dormant. Then you are free to work and think. This takes TIME. Lust is a plague that I hate with all hy soul and body. That is why I was so happy when I achieved chastity, both acquired and infused. You can bet your life I was totally unhappy when I found out the demons had penetrated my virginal shield, that my genitals were once more activated, and I was tortured by the feeling of lust!

But as one of my dreams explained (it will be in the diary) I had to accept this torture on myself to pay for the man's sins - which were in particular, sins against chastity. And this would plague me for almost a year!

Never again would I be so confident of my chastity! Never again would I take it for granted. I was amazed that in praying for a soul in Purgatory - Errol Flynn - who was equally guilty of sensuality, I never had to endure this. The demons never touched my lower centers, though they tempted me in every other way. Why this now? All these things are very confusing when they are happening, for it takes time and distance and experience to evaluate things.

Are you laughing because more delusions about the Stigmata are dispelled? Does this sound too much like human nature? But Christ paid for ALL sins, sensuality included. He was tempted in sex just as anything else. So, we must too go through with it.

As an aside I would like to mention another sin I had to pay for, and that for a soul in Purgatory. My late father was guilty of gluttony. I gallantly offered to pay, just as I had for Errol Flynn, and my father was released in 5 1/2 days. Little did I know that gluttony would plague me for TWO YEARS! I had no idea the penance would last that long! And it was so bad, that I have not been able to keep my desired weight in all that time. My appetite was absolutely raging and appalling, a true affliction of the mind.

Here lies, I imagine, the difference between sins of those in Purgatory and those in mortal sin. No soul in Purgatory is guilty of mortal sin. No soul in Purgatory is chained to Satan. When you fight to deliver a soul from mortal sin, you fight the worst battle of your life. I know now that helping the souls in Purgatory only prepared me for worse to come.

These temptations and feelings are all part of the battle for the salvation of souls. Sure, you could stay aloof, but here is the amazing juxtaposition of priorities. Before it was your head you sacrificed all for. You loved because you saw. You loved the vision of God which was always before you, and God was easy to love. Now you love a creature. You must take your eyes (mind) off God. You no longer see so well. (After all, we are not angels that can see the Beatific Vision and mortals simultaneously!) Now you take from that head center all the Light and energy you need to charge up your heart, which takes precedence. You BLIND yourself in trying to transmit HEART LOVE to someone else! This heart love is your absolute center of feeling and pain. When you give this, you must participate by feeling. It isn't the headlight you are transmitting, but heartlight. Headlight is of a teacher, heartlight is of a lover. Both take precedence at different times.

But when your heart does not meet its goal, and there is no more Light and energy, your centers become like wasted bulbs. That is the end of you. You are beaten! You have officially fallen, to human sense, for you no longer see with the eyes of a mystic, which is above it all. You have sacrificed yourself for love.

And there is no reward from the object of your love. This is how it had to be, for you prayed for the Stigmata and it is mutilation. It is dying for love - martyrdom.

What can you do now? You have failed. The first impulse is to consult with the head centers, but they are knocked out, feeble, barely touching base with you. You are banished from your mystical world! You are stripped of your power!

This dilemma explains why the "normal" person cannot gain the Stigmata. When the normal person has a nervous breakdown intellectual faculties are impaired, but the Stigmata cannot occur until the centers are DIVINIZED by God's Light or in union with Him. It is because it is CHRIST who loves, CHRIST who is rejected - CHRIST who suffers pain. therefore, you must alread BE A CHRIST before attaining the Stigmata.

As expressed, the Stigmata is the development of the heart of love at the expense of the head of knowledge. In a reading done 11/27/83 my Highest said this:

"The Stigmata destroyed your psychic personality for the sake of the Christ In terms of sacrifice, your sacrifice was complete. But this was not for all time. The Christ personality developed more and in time - the psychic personality came back.

Each personality has its own powers. In order to develop one PHASE of yourself sometimes another has to be put to rest - crushed and destroyed in some cases.

Now your psychic personality was very strong. It was so strong it overshadowed, in some ways, the Christ. It was the personality of knowledge rather than love - although God is both - one can predominate the other within the individual personality.

Now in order for the Christ to overtake the psychic it had to be crushed. This psychic personality gave you a lot of consolation because knowledge is consolation. But Christ on the Cross and especially in the Stigmata aspect had no consolation. You had to feel - experience - participate in that loss in order to allow that strength of Christ to develop.

Christ as LOVE has now fully developed so it's now safe for the illumination/wisdom/knowing personality to return.

HOW IS THE PSYCHIC DIFFERENT
FROM THE CHRIST PERSONALITY?

All your personalities are God centered, but different phases of God: God in His knowing or seeking to know God - God in His love.

The Stigmata personality is the epitoment of Christ - or the epicenter of the Christ personality. Within the Stigmata itself (to die for love) is the psychological center - the source from which all the strength of the personality flows."

REBUILDING

Obviously, the Stigmata can't be all bad, because it is a grace. It must have spiritual benefits.

After the head centers and heart have been depleted, they must be built up again. The mystic is back at base 1, practically blind except for FAITH, which leads her on as before. She does have memory of what she once knew, and that is an advantage, but it is not sharp and clear.

She must now remember how she built up those Lights in the first place! It isn't easy, because you cannot remember things you often attained by coincidence.

This makes the mystic THINK as never before, to REVIEW the steps of her progress one by one. She seeks FORMULAS of progress.

It becomes a scientific study of the utmost zeal. How does one most quickly and efficiently build up Lights, stimulate the higher chakras once again? How long does it take to regain what took one ten years to develop - and what are the quickest steps?

Growth seems to happen like this, spiritually: Head centers, heart center, head centers, heart center, and so on. One lies relatively dormant while the other takes precedence. They must take turns developing for each functions a different way, although seeing always has to start the action.

For a personal example, when I was busy CONTEMPLATING and my head centers were full power, I would sacrifice all human relationships for their development. I took a vow of silence.

But then, when I pursued the case of the Marine and others, I was USING the head centers to help them. Obviously they were being depleted if there was no response from the recipients. In most earthly ministries response of love is the last thing you expect because most mortals you attend to are in the very need of that love. They are sick by the lack of love - so certainly they can't give you any.

Had it not been for the Stigmata, I would never have started writing the book on spiritual poverty. I rediscovered that that is the absolute formula for development of the head centers. There is no other way, and I spent several months thinking about it.

The knowledge of that path, ane reorganizing in my head and acting out those formulas brought me back to sane mysticism. I began praying that God grant me poverty on June 1, 1983. It was in september of that year that my prayers began to reach fruit.

Notations in my diary say, "Begin to feel better within," "Begin writing on Our Lord's Poverty," "feeling much better spiritually," and several notes on "revelations," something that had not happened in a while.

If the Stigmata is the epitoment of graces, then it must be good. But before its good effects are brought to realization one must take the bad. The damage is temporary - the grace eternal. A temporary knockout to the head and heart centers, depleting and wounding them, and the centers are enlarged BY FORCE. After the wounds heal up there is an increased capacity of Light and love.

For a while there is a deterioration of the personality from the state in which it was before - depending on the individual and the case. When the heart is restored it will be to a state if LOVE PURIFIED. Love will be elevated, strengthened, ennobled in every way. But before it is thus it is weakened, ignobled and lowered. It becomes LOVE PERVERTED for the time being!

I know that each individual's case is different. Had I studied many cases I would be able to impart to you a survey. But I can't. There is nothing written, that I know of, on the negative aftereffects of the psychological stigmata. We are led to imagine that once stigmatized, the recipient lives in the throes of ecstatic love and power. That may happen, but not right away!

My negative effect was that I was thrown out of my spiritual center. I found that I could no longer function as a contemplative. How can one contemplate without Lights? This state is all inspiration and vision. Our Lights are our "crutches" or mystic glasses by which we know another world.

I found myself now in seclusion, living the life I had been living but without the powers I then employed. The walls began to close in on me. When you are entranced by God you see your walls as LIBERTY to be with God. Those walls shut out the difference between yourself and the mundane world and give you the privacy you need to record a higher plane.

Mortals without mysticixm feel restricted by enclosure, and so the person who has been de-mysticized also feels.

I WAS aware of my plight. I knew for a fact I was making reparation for sin, though all its ramifications weren't clear. (For instance, were all my faults my own or were some of them excusable by way of my banishment? How long will this last? Will I be restored mystically?) I knew I had to bear this darkness and live by FAITH.

I had a vague idea that I had lost my intellectual infused gifts from God. They are the free gifts which are considered incidental to salvation although they are highest of the totem pole of mental charisms. I was waiting for the restoration of those gifts, but meantime I had to survive without them.

My lifestyle now had to change in order to cope with the boredom, frustration and depression that came with the territory. I had become, more or less as I was before receiving the Gift of Contemplation, only more hurt. This Gift was in April 1981 and caused me, by its effects to gravitate into seclusion by October of that same year. I now restored to the schedule of past experiences; choir practice in church (which I hated but learned to tolerate as a way out of my misrey), physical training, and the socialyzing that goes with the former events and other activities. I found it most embarrassing to return to normal human contact after having taken a vow of silence and keeping it for a good length of time. I was at a loss to explain it to anyone for what could I say?: "I got the Stigmata, and now I have regressed and must return to normal human contact for a while?" Most people I knew didn't know what the psychological Stigmata was in the first place. If they knew what it was, they wouldn't believe I had it. And if I had it, what was I doing with them? Wouldn't I be a saint? I found things, as I said, most embarrassing to myself, moreso than to anyone else.

It is equally important to pray through times of darkness as it is in those of Light - even more so, for you are learning to rebuild those Lights. And so I prayed daily, but without the fervor or feeling I once had. I put all of myself into it, mind you, but that was nothing!

I had no psychic energy now. Acts were physical, but I still had to do the right thing. I knew well that duties left omitted during times of dryness were a terrible offense against God, showing we do not love Him in hard times. And those are the times He loves us the most! Although I could not REST in God, I tried - and that is what counts. Times like these are good to meditate on the Passion of Christ, for you feel what He felt somewhat, (although, unfortunately, not having His moral qualities.)

In December, 1982, one BIG thing happened as the fruit of my poverty. On the day of the lowest of my lows I had a dream about a big conversion. Shortly thereafter I received a call from a young lady whom I had been trying to convert away from pornography and back to the Sacraments for seven years. She had a vision of Satan and the Avenging Angel fighting over her soul. The Avenging Angel told her,

"You have one day left to live. If you do not go back to the Sacraments today, you will be DEAD! Everyone has a certain time to repent, and yours is filled up. This grace is granted to you by the prayers of Rasa. Stay close to her, or you will be lost once more."

She repented, and this girl who had once been a nun returned to the Sacraments after twenty years. But obedience to Satan during all that time (who made her leave the convent, become a prostitute and wind up in the pornography business all her life) had made her mentally ill. She had been in the hospital for paranoid schizophrenia, and now, as she was getting older, reality was growing more dim.

I pleaded with her, but she remained stubborn. She insisted on being friends, though, and I tolerated her. Finally, when she had her conversion she said it was an awakening from SLEEP. She called me on the phone and said,

"I SUDDENLY REALYZED DURING ALL THOSE YEARS HOW EVIL I'D BEEN. I SAW THE EVILS OF PORNOGRAPHY, JUST AS YOU SAID. I SAW HOW SATAN HAD BEEN CONTROLLING ME. I WAS SO EVIL! I WAS SO EVIL!"

It is amazing that during my periods of Light I could do nothing for her! It is in our POVERTY that we have most power with the Lord!

During my black poverty I knew what people feel as cripples or invalids: That total helplessness, that wanting to do something and not being able to. Is there any state worse? It is more of a frustration than depression, yet it swings between both.

I had energy, but not the right kind. It is LOWER energy, not a psychic's energy. It's being an animal again, but learning to be a GOOD animal, to obey even though you don't SEE - to just obey because it is right. Now your will virtues, your discipline are thoroughly tested and I FEEL SORRY for anyone who is weak.

These are the times people give in to the appetites: Eating, drinking, drugs and sex. In the dark night (before the mystical marriage) the pull is to apathy, bitterness and despair. In the Stigmata it's giving into the lower appetites and drives. I experienced all these temptations, but the one I hated the most was lust.

In July, 1983, I got an opportunity to go out of town and preach. Since I was depressed and frustrated, it did me good. I gave twenty eight sermons in San Francisco, on the interior life. The feedback was good. One man changed his life completely, back on the right road. The world, he said, had contaminated his value system, and I reminded him of the Truth. He went back to the job of psychologist. Another man was so impressed he gave me a five hundred dollar donation!

Upon returning from the trip I was restored to normalcy. I took my vow of silence again (wonderful resolution), FORCED myself to stay home and began to write. The subject: Poverty as the Road to Contemplation.

Here is a list of the negative traits I expressd during the fall and the positive after the buildup:

NEGATIVE:

Craving for love, losing dignity and aloofness, confusion caused by mortal sense, insecurity, inferiority, erratic behavior, not self contained, immature, given to emotion, passion and jealousy, cravings for physical things, frustration, lack of ability to pray and enjoy spiritual things. Mind is in a lower place, sunken down in people and thing's and one's physical self.

POSITIVE, AFTER RETURNING TO THE
CONTEMPLATIVE STATE OF LIFE:

Security, independence, nobility and aloofness, great faith, maturity, mind centered on God, not self, moved by spiritual things, enjoyment of spiritual activities, mind organized, serene, not overly concerned with people and things, mind able to rest in higher truths. Overall happiness.

STRENGTH and PURIFICATION of LOVE are the two biggest changes ofter the build up. It is seen in precisely this effect: Instead of craving the love of creatures, you crave God so much that you are willing to sacrifice union with men for union with God.

I am glad to have the Stigmata behind me and not in front. It was the worst experience of my life. But I know the worse the experience, the BIGGER blessings! I prayed for it not because I wanted pain, but because I wanted to be blessed.

In order to explain the BLESSINGS of the Stigmata I think I need more TIME. The book should be on the subject: "The Second Coming of Christ, Results of the Divine Stigmata."

That is what I believe it is - no longer Christ as a Suffering Servant, but Christ come in His powere and glory, to judge and annihlate the wicked, to reward the good! AND THIS IS THE CHRIST THAT IS IN ME NOW! But as I said, I need to live life longer to describe these miraculous unfoldments.

PREFACE TO THE DIARY

Just before I started working on the Marine's case I had finished a five hundred page manuscript on a popular film star. The work I had done by the grace of God was a feat of mystical science. I was tired but happy, and bracing myself for the rejection that I knew was to come from the star.

On the very next day after the star's book was finished, the Marine reentered my life. When I thought about the opportunity this Marine presented - I visualyzed it as a much easier case and one that would console me by his response. Within days that fallacy would be dispelled.

The film star was always on my mind and I thought of this case as extracurricular activity. But soon I would wage the hardest battle of my life and my state would change from that of mystical love to mystical pain.

I knew the Marine from going to his recruting office and speaking for many hours on subjects NOT related to mystical science. I dwelled mostly on women's issues and discrimination against them, the goodness of patriotism and loyalty to our country, the evils in the world today, and the goodness of discipline, military, bodybuilding and other. I spoke of God but did not dwell upon Him to them.

Finally, when the Marine came to my house that fateful September 30, 1982, he saw a person he had never known before. I had emphasized, obviously, my other personalities to him. I was a stronge woman he admired, but now, I was an ascetic totally absorbed in mystical science, practicing poverty, chastity and obedience. He was ready to face the strong woman, but not someone who had already ascended to the next dimension!

Looking back I am sure that within minutes he had felt an interior panic. For now he knew I was psychic and he had secrets to keep. Moreover, his secrets were shameful and embarrassing, and I was a paragon of religious conviction. He saw me and my new lifestyle. He heard of my mental and physical disciplines and was brought to realyze how penetrating my vision was.

HIS GUT LEVEL REACTION TO THIS WAS "RUN" AND "KILL".

This was evidence in the unleashing of demons against me, the first of which - a murderer - visited me the very first night after our meeting.

Little do normal people know about how the science of hidden forces within each individual. We mystics know the unseen forces, their dangers and their glories. Normal people could not guess what happens when you really, truly try to save a soul.

These last two loves - the film star and the Marine, saw the need of my love to be purified. I was drawn to them both for physical reasons. The film star, for his physical beauty which I overcame and made into a ministry - but fell down agan later. The Marine I wanted consolation or a return of love. Had I obeyed my rule - not to have any individuals on earth for clients - this never would have happened. But I was incapable of obeying, my love yet too weak, drawn irresistably to people.

God used them, therefore, to purify my love with their total rejection. Just as God allowed me to live out my last penance prior to the Mystical Marriage in union with Errol Flynn reaching Beatific Vision, sa also he allowed me to live out these penances with earthly men. When this would end we would all be purified, myself included.

I thought I was cleased already, but it is amazing how much dirt is stirred up when the water of the emotions is moved.

I am not contradicting myself. Christ was within me receiving the Stigmata. But Christ was also forcing my lower nature to reveal itself once more in order to cleanse it more thoroughly.

"THE CASE OF THE GAY MARINE"

9/30/82 - Thursday
SGT. BABY COMES OVER

He finds out for the first time I am psychic and how religious I am. He will react to this violently, but I will be unaware of it. The ministry officialy begins.

10/1/82 - Friday
SGT. BABY'S BOOK OF LIFE IS OPENED TO ME

On the preceding night I had the first visit from one of his demons - a killer. I am not yet alarmed nor aware of the gravity of this case, since I have never confronted anything like this before.

I speak to Sgt. Baby on the phone today. He cuts me off, promising to call back and never does so. The freezeout begins.

I dream of his life as a book I like. The only thing bad is that there were small black spots on its cover. (Mortal sins.) A second dream indicates his conscience is bothering him and he wants to escape scrutiny.

10/3/82 - Sunday
"HE IS GOING TO KILL YOU"

Blessed Mother, in a reading, shows me the dangers in this ministry and percautions to take. I begin getting alarmed.

A dream shows me that Satan has been looking for just such a man "all over the country," trying to kill me! They will be able to use him because of his "black spots."

10/5/82 - Tuesday
I FIND OUT HE IS GAY BEGIN
RECEIVING SACRAMENTS FOR HIM

Today I start receiving Holy Communion for him and lighting a votive candle for him in Churh daily. I will also be making extra confessions in reparation for him.

A very significant dream shows that for the first time I will get very sick from a ministry.

A second dream shows the Marine's beauty as a Bride of Christ. I see him in a bridal gown - as a beautiful lady - perfectly tailored in neat tan, like the Marine uniform.

We have here the two aspects of the ministry; the frightening and the consoling. Were it not for the consoling visions I have of him in my dreams - he as a bride of Christ, he in the essence of his soul, he as my infant or child - I could never endure the fears.

10/6/82 - Wednesday
BEGIN DOING EXORCISMS DAILY

Our Blessed Mother tells me to do exorcisms twice daily to rid him of his demons. She tells me I am helping him and to continue doing so. Rudolph Valentino, in a reading, tells me the Marine is covered by thoughts of earth and flesh. If it were not so I would have no trouble reaching him. (Manifested thought forms surrounding him.)

Demons from him are threatening me constantly.

10/7/82 - Thursday,
Eve of the Stigmata

HE WILL DIE YOUNG, IN NICARAGUA

This is the worst night of fear I will undergo. God lifts me into a Light which takes me out of myself and resolves me to go on. He will die young, in Nacaragua, of a gunshot wound in the head.

If I do not help him NOW he will be lost at the time of his death.

This vision explains the gravity of my mission and that God is in it. I will not go back.

10/8/82 - Friday
DAY OF THE STIGMATA

Thinking of his death, I take a box of candy to a place where he is supposed to pick it up but never does. (I resolve to do this every year in honor of the vision.) I am waiting for the call that never comes.

My Highest says he has steeled himself against me, that he will avoid me at all costs and try to help himself - which he cannot.

My agony begins. Burning pain centers in my heart around 5:30 PM. I exhibit, at the same time, such mental pain that my reasoning power is altered. I have never known in my life such grief and pain from being unable to bestow God's love on someone.

10/9/82 - Saturday
SECOND DAY OF THE STIGMATA

The same pain in the heart area till Holy Communion at the evening Mass. My consciousness has been altered by pain. I am out of myself with pain - in a living Hell. I am aware that I have more power with God in this state of bing crippled than I had in my highest illumination. And so I hang on, not seeking alleviation.

Here is a good place to insert my thoughts on "hell" on earth and the stark difference between a mystic's aloofness and Stigmata love. A mystic's aloofness is one which has no emotion no matter what may happen. This is not to prevent the MIND from functioning on the highest spiritual level which, when disturbed by anything terrestrial, "comes down" from its plane. I was at that state once.

But in the Stigmata it is the opposite. You CARE so much you go through death for what you care about. Here, as I said before, we have two stages of development which both must alternate for the complete person to emerge: The Head and the Heart.

When I went into the Stigmata pain I knew the closest thing to hell on earth. I never once while in it thought of the Dark Night as hell - but the Stigmata was. It is the INTENSITY of the pain that makes it so. In the Dark Night PAIN is not intense because you are "dead," dead to pain as well as to stimulation. They are different kinds of cleansing or torture.

Somewhere around this time my Highest instructs me that it is my sanctified duty to try and get through to the Marine. He will not face me, and I am the only one empowered to help him. He is lost and feeble. I am not afraid of anything he has done - I am willing to pay for his sins, etc. When I call him on the 19th I will finally tell him these things.

10/10/82 - Sunday
RESULT OF AN EXORCISM

In the formal exorcism rite a part of it commands the demons to reveal what they have done. As a result of this it is revealed how the Marine feels when he is being sexually used by a man.

"He was in a bed, and I felt what he felt. He was little, so was I. Someone much bigger was tossing him and squeezing him in this blanket, back and forth, pushing. The feeling was being thrown into the air on this blanket up and down, and pushed, squashed into this tight corner and just squashed in. The child wanted to get away but was helpless."

10/11/82 - Monday

"CURE FOR HERPES" DREAM
(Herpes as homosexuality)

A series of interesting dreams. In the most exciting I am a young doctor chosen to fink a cure for Herpes. Sgt. Baby's lower self is seen as a "black pig," (inexusable sins of sexuality.) The dangers of the ministry are shown, but finally victory and champagne.

The dream says that this young doctor was "chosen" because of his "life of obedience." "He isn't a medical doctor, but he studies."

10/13/82 - Wednesday

THE BLESSED MOTHER tells me that before tommorow SGT. BABY WILL BE REBORN, and I will experience a State of Contemplation. (A temporary reinfusion of the Gift.)

10/14/82 - Thursday

THE MARINE IS REBORN!

In a revealing dream the Marine turns from a "menacing boy" to a "whimpering little baby." My Uncle (the Highest as punisher or just avenger) has broken his arms. (Later on when I questioned him about this time he said he went through some heavy mental changes.) He has been BROKEN and is SORRY for his sins.

Now the cost of the rebirth is shown. I wll have to make reparation for his sins of sexuality. Therefore, my body chemistry will be changed and I will feel LUST. I must consent to this as these types of punishments are voluntary. (Not only will I feel lust after this but I will have the strange consciousness of being him and wanting men!)

It is interesting to note here concerning rebirth, that it is the awareness of being a sinner that is most important, and then after that, follows sorrow for sin. The dream shows that reality.

His sins ARE PASSED OVER TO ME. It is exactly the same as reparation for those in Purgatory but this is much worse. I have never experienced the hell in this ministry! It proves that expiating for mortal sin is much worse than for souls in Purgatory - who are guilty of no mortal sins.

MY CONTEMPLATION

For a short time - about one day, I will rest in Contemplation. This is my temporary reward, after which it will fade away and I will be in anguish.

I do remember after the Mass, basking in a state of euphoria. I had a feeling of such FAITH and CONFIDENCE in the Marine's release, and JOY in the progress made. After that faded away, once again, uncertainty.

DREAM: THE MARINE AS MY CHILD
10/15/82 - Friday

My great joy is reflected in a dream about the Marine being reborn. He appears as my little daughter, who is a twin to me, "wearing identical dresses, blond hair and smiles. She is so DOCILE, totally conformed to me, like my little twin, and so sweet."

My ascended father, who helps me on a lot of cases, is warning me in the next scene there's a lot more work to be done.

My father is dying and leaving his inheritance. My brother is irresponsible and dependant, and Father says,

"You make sure when I am gone that you tack charge. You cannot trust your brother - especially when he has been drinking pink champagne." I say,

"Don't worry, Father, I will."

MEANING:

Symbolically we were all celebrating the Marine's salvation. The little girl I see as the twin symbolyzes the BIRTH or what is within in "seed" from just beginning to grow - just sprouting. If you would have to experience the reality I went through after this dream you would be crushed. Pink champagne must refer to "inebriated by affections," or when he is feeling desires, which in him go the wrong way.

MY DIARY

Terrible pain and anxiety about Sgt. Baby now increases.

10/18/82 - Monday
DIARY:

Terrible night last night. Felt like a vacuum - totally empty, devoid of all Light. I've had this feeling before but have never been able to handle it - feeling a sort of panic. This time I determined to understand it and overcome. I would not seek a way out but accept the emptyness as a Cross from Christ.

As I lay in bed almost asleep I saw what it was. When my senses were almost out I looked inside myself. I saw a BLACKNESS coming over me, like a blanket of death, a hell, and this hell was what I was going to enter into! It was so frightening I got insomnia. Later I did fall asleep and had revealing dreams:

DREAM: MY LEGS CUT OFF

"A girl went through a trying experience. She was lying on her back an a lawn and had no legs, only stumps - but she was smiling and happy.

It happened when she almost got trampled and killed by a horde of black people. They were in a stadium in the bleachers watching a show. But when the show was over they were going to trample her and leave her in a helpless state. She was the only white person there."

"She had to think her way out of it, and doing so, maneuvered herself back into the bleachers and was safe. That's why she was happy. Her upper body was well developed."

MEANING:

This business with the crushing was the DEMONS who attacked me, and it was right over the Heart. Although the extreme pain of the Stigmata, when it first ocurred, had abated, this was another attack and I recall feeling crushing death over me like a physical, violent force. They were trying to "snuff out" my life. Legs represent mystical power and they cut this off.

After the dream my diary recalls that I had prayed the same prayer for the Marine that I had said for Errol Flynn in Purgatory, and this was its culmination:

"Give me anything just so I can pay his debt off as quickly as possible - so he can at least face me and I can start doing the work. I don't care what the suffering is."

AND THE SUFFERING WAS THE WORK - THERE WAS NO OTHER WORK. HE NEVER HAD THE COURAGE TO FACE ME!

10/19/82 - Tuesday

I SPEAK WITH THE MARINE

The pain over the weekend has been so awful that I cannot wait to call the Marine and tell him of my love. Conveying my love puts me in an ecstatic trance where I lose the sense of time. When I come out of it I realyze that, once again, he has broken his promise of calling back.

From now on there will be no escuse for his rejection of me. He KNOWS that I love him.

10/20/82 - Wednesday

READING WITH THE BLESSED VIRGIN

Overwhelmed by suffering, I seek guidance from the Heart of The Blessed Mother.

"Mother, what was crushing my heart?"

BVM: "IT WAS THE SATANIC FORCE THROUGHSGT. BABY THAT WAS CRUSHING YOUR HEART."

"Explain how the demonic works through the individual that one is trying to help."

BVM: "EACH SOUL IS A BATTLEGROUND OF SATAN AGAINST GOD. THERE ARE MANY HORDES OF DEMONS TRYING TO CONDUCT A SOUL INTO HELL DURING ITS LIFETIME. THESE DEMONS FIGHT FOR THAT SOUL AND THEY DO BATTLE WITH ANYONE WHO INTERFERES. EACH SOUL YOU BEGIN TO CONDUCT INTO HEAVEN BRINGS UPON YOURSELF SATANIC ATTACKS IN WHATEVER FORM THE DEMONIC EXISTS WITHIN THAT INDIVIDUAL. HIS DEMONS WERE INDOCTRINATING HIM TO DISOBEY YOU; TO LAY WASTE YOUR HEART, IGNORE YOU - TO FEEL VIOLENT AND ABUSIVE TOWARD YOU. ALL THIS YOU FELT AND HEARD WITHIN YOU. BUT YOU HELD ON. IT WAS A TRIUMPH OF LOVE."