WHY DO WOMEN LOVE MONSTERS?
One of the most outrageous statements people make - a cliche that makes me want to slap them silly - is that women stay with men that beat them "because they like it." Nothing could be farther from the truth - but why DO women stay with men who beat them to get beaten again? Extend this to the whole world of monsters; not only those who beat women but those who lie, cheat and steal, pilander, run around, chase after women, molest children (including relatives) and do any number of heinous and sickening things. Why don't women instantly leave these guys, the moment one breath of evil is evident? Why does it take years, for some, to get out of the pit these men have put them in?
The answers are complicated, just as life is. I have to take in a lot of factors to find out why monsters are not instantly bid adieu.
I come up with the following reasons of why women do not leave evil men right away:
1 A WOMAN DOES NOT ALWAYS KNOW, FOR SURE, HER MAN HAS SINNED...
Unless she's caught him in the act she thinks she knows, but does not know for sure. If she confronts him, he lies. She is not sure if it's a lie or the truth. She needs time to see if the thing she fears happens again. Obviously, if he is doing something right in front of her or she catches him in the act, or he is beating her, she knows he did it, and there are other reasons for not leaving right away.
2 HE CONVINCES HER THAT, ALTHOUGH HE'S SINNED, HE'S SORRY AND WILL SURELY CHANGE...
Being a forgiving person, she gives him another chance. After all, did not Jesus teach us mercy? But he does it again. Again, he swears amendment. How many times did Jesus say to forgive? Seventy times seven? How many times should a wife forgive her man? Are there some things more easy to forgive? For instance, flirting with other women can be overlooked, but what if she thinks he's popping them? What if he's a drunk, but it only happens in binges. He's evil when drunk, but this happens OCCASIONALLY. Then what? Maybe he gets mean in words but not violent. Does she leave him for mean words alone?
3 SHE'S NOT SURE HIS SINS ARE SERIOUS ENOUGH TO LEAVE HIM...
After all, no human is perfect. Do most men cheat once in a while? Is this forgivable? If a man is a mean drunk occasionally, but not often, is that grounds for divorce? If he is indifferent most of the time, but sometimes turns on the love and charm, is that bad enough to leave him?
He may not be as nice as when he was courting, but how bad does he have to get before it's quits? Maybe he sinned, but now seems redeemed. There is uncertainty about what to do when one isn't sure of the degree of the sin. After all, there could be financial dependance on the man, and there could be children. Leaving is not like saying good bye to someone you are dating. You may have invested years into this relationship and before you decide, you are thinking what you could lose.
4 FEAR OF THE MAN...
There are men who are violent and keep a woman in fear. They intimidate, they threaten. If a man threatens a woman with violence or death if she leaves, and he has already beaten her, she knows she is in danger. She's trapped because either way she moves, she's endangered. He may also threaten the children. She needs a great deal of help and support, but this is not always available. Battered women's shelters do not provide all the help a woman needs. She needs family or friends - who aren't always there. If she does have people who love her, but the man is violent, they may resist helping her through fear. What happens to them if he shows up blowing people away? People are not trained Delta Force Berets. Most people don't know what to do with violence and force and turn coward in the face of it. They fear what could happen. They may have their own children. Maybe your friend is elderly or a lone women, or a woman with a baby. Does she want a violent man calling, banging on the door, threatening and demanding to be let in? She would probably be terrified and do anything to avoid it.
5 OTHER FEARS - FEAR OF THE OUTSIDE WORLD AND ITS HARDSHIPS AND FEAR OF BEING ALONE...
is not an easy place for a woman. Once she has found a person who will be with
her, there is no guarantee she will find another man quickly. Life can be hard.
Some women have escaped abusive homes or homes of poverty. Some are not offered
support from family, or are too proud to ask them for help - since they were
not positive in the past. (I know a woman who at fourteen got married to a thirty-five
year old man who kept her in the apartment tied up...even after she had a baby!
Her mother told her she had "made her own bed, and had to lie in it."
The Mom-in-law, who lived in the same apartment, seemed blind to what was going
on! True, she worked in the day, but weren't there clues?) Here she is in one
hard situation, but the world out there isn't easy, either. I had a woman say
to me once that her husband beat her regularly. He had broken her jaw. But,
"Don't tell me to leave him...where would I go?"
Later, he de facto beat her to death. She got some sort of muscle/nerve disease from all the trauma and wasted away till she died. Could she have found a place to go? Of course. She didn't try hard enough. But believing she did not made her stay there.
6 HE ISN'T ALL BAD...
men who do evil, but not all they do is so. Some evil men give rewards as well
as punishments. The biggest reward is money. Some give lots, some give little.
But whatever they give, it helps. If a woman is dependent or feels she is, she
stays for the money.
There are complicated issues in this.
If a man is raping children and she stays for the money - is there something wrong with her? How crazy is she? Is she retarded?
A Terrible Case:
I know of a case of a woman who had a few kids and was in dire need of help. She would find guys and bring them home. Big financial rewards? Very little, but she lived in the country and didn't drive and needed a man with a car to drive her and them around. One man ended up - regularly - raping all the children, both boys and girls. The boys told me the story. He'd go out at night, get drunk, and come home and rape them, and he had, the boy (now a man) told me, a 12" penis. (Can you imagine the pain of this penis forced into the anus?) I asked the victim what his mother was doing while this was going on and he said he had no idea. This man departed. The second man beat the boys with a chain. The next man prepared the food and was feeding the children DOG FOOD. Social workers entered the house at suppertime, took the food and had it analyzed. The children were then removed to foster care. I believe what was wrong with this woman was she was borderline retarded, as the two young men who told me the story were in that condition. LACK OF INTELLIGENCE is a salient reason for getting monsters and staying with them.
There are cases not so cut and dry. If a man sets you up real well and you benefit immensely, but occasionally he is a beast, then what? Some women stay for the rewards, grin and bear it.
They say no one is perfect, not even myself.
You always look at two things: The carrot and the stick, the reward and the punishment. Does the punishment outweigh the reward? Can you live without the reward? Can you make due, without his help, and throw him to the curb? Live in peace and greater possibilities without his shit? I tell women to make a list, before they decide, of the good and evil of the man. If the good is a short list, and the evil long, it's time to move on.
7 SHE IS TRAPPED, OR FEELS TRAPPED...
Looking over much of the above, it is being trapped or in a place hard to get out. It takes a lot of great qualities to get out of a trap - some of which women don't have in time of need. It takes courage, ingenuity, intelligence, resourcefulness. When a woman dumps a man too quickly and finds a SUBSTITUTE MAN all too often the substitute is a different brand of pain. She needs to jump out of the pit, but not into another one while doing it. Patterns follow patterns. There is something INSIDE A WOMAN that gets her from the frying pan into the fire time and time again.
WHAT IS INSIDE A WOMAN THAT MAKES HER GET EVIL MEN?
1 LACK OF EXPERIENCE...
This is one of the major causes of hooking up with evil. This is precisely why we need objective onlookers, who presumably know more than we know and are looking out for our good. These would be parents, relatives and friends, as well as professional counsellors. Usually people decide all by themselves, impulsively and without great investigation and forethought, to take the plunge. Big mistake. As a young woman, how many men have you known? Do you know all their lines and con jobs? Do you know how to read the signs of evil - the red flags? Have you scratched beneath the surface? Have you seen him in the bad times as well as good? There are demons lurking behind that handsome face, that smooth silver tongue! Before getting married, you need to talk to all the people that have known this man, including his ex wives and girlfriends! Of course, he'll say they just hate him and tell lies but find out anyway. Investigate some of the claims he makes about his past. You are now doing something that will be difficult to repair. It's like playing the stock market. Search it out.
Probably the biggest help is inner discernment. But this does not always work because some people just don't have it available at the time. They are confused and their inner senses are jumbled. They are listening to lies and can't tell a lie from the truth. There are psychological reasons why the inner senses aren't working and we'll get into this.
2 LACK OF DISCERNMENT AND UNDERSTANDING
Here experience also plays a part, but there is something that can protect a person even if they have little experience. Discernment is being able to SMELL, so to speak, when a person isn't right. He could be saying the right words, but you don't feel comfortable. The vibes are one way, his words are another. It very simply means you are sensing, by the unconscious, his true feelings and thoughts.
One of the best ways, I have found, is to see if a person has charity within them. Most people have little or no charity; they do things for show. But how bad is he? If he walks by a starving dog, eats his hamburger, throws the dog the paper and laughs, then something is wrong. If he sees an old lady begging and passes her by resentfully, he has no charity. These are not foolproof tests. Some criminals have "hearts of gold" with animals. This is just one of the many signs you have to watch on a man. If you take him through a hundred signs or tests and he passes them all, he may be alright. THIS SORT OF INVESTIGATION TAKES TIME. I would say, if you study a man for one year you might know him pretty well. Two years, you know him better. Three years and you'll MAYBE have time to see his dark side and what he is like when there is conflict, pressure and reversals. The worst things are the mortal sins, or sins which blot of charity and God. Would a man lie, cheat and steal under pressure? Would he succumb to temptation and seduction under pressure? Does he resist evil or give in easily?
You must watch this man with other people. If you are the one he has targeted - and you are under the influence of his charm - you will not be seeing him objectively. Watch him with others. Is he polite? Considerate? Compassionate? Or does he get angry and rages when he doesn't get what he wants? Anger is a sign of immaturity, lack of discipline, frustration and sometimes self hate, but rage is something that could be dangerous. If your man is susceptible to RAGE you better stay away, because this is a form of temporary insanity, and you could be in danger.
He may be turning on the full charm for you - but watch, watch, watch him with others. Make sure you are in situations where you are with others, including family, friends, children, animals, etc. See him with all and under different conditions. Watch him with other women. If he has a roving eye, he has a roving heart. If he keeps telling you you are beautiful it could be a bad, not a good sign. If a man loves you, no matter how you look you are beautiful. But if he sees only surface beauty he will tire of it soon and find other beauties. I am not saying that all those who say you are beautiful are bad. Just make sure that is not all he wants you for - because then he is shallow and his love is worthless.
When a man pulls a con job on a woman she feels a temporary high, but in the end comes disaster. (Watch for those who approach YOU. It is safer and wiser for you to decide what man you are interested in and approach him. Don't go after the ones popular with the ladies! You will be only one of the crowd. Pick men with fine qualities who are OVERLOOKED by dumb women who look at the surface.) As to the men who approach you, they usually have a line. Do not let your ego get inflated. Don't live on flattery. Indeed, we should affirm one another, but flattery is beyond that. If a man keeps putting down other women when he's with you, that's a sign of evil. He should respect women and not ridicule any of them with words or thoughts. Again, I am not saying we can never critisize; it can be warranted. Watch out for negative patterns and attitudes. I knew a man was evil by the way he looked at the poor, and by his sexual addiction. I knew another man was evil by his racism and ridicule of blacks. Another man is totally self absorbed and egotistical. He will engage me in five minutes on myself, and five hours on him, if I let him. Another man keeps telling me he loves me - but it all feels so wrong. Then when I tell him it's quits, he says he was trying to save my soul - to turn me on to "Jesus." Is that why he had put an add in the personals (so he told me) called "Hot to Trot?" Was he looking for souls to save? You will have to understand that 99% of all men, (and also the majority of women) are not beneficial for you. Be wary and wise! Be ESPECIALLY wary of silver-tongued devils. "He's had so many rehearsals."
It takes time to develop a silver tongue.
In spite of adequate experience, women are still susceptible to evil men, for many reasons. It is because we are not looking objectively but with emotions. What is wrong with our emotions? They confuse us. Why can't we just see them as they are? Why are we letting them do this to us? Why are we letting them make us feel emotionally dependent; like we need their compliments and their so-called "love?" Their "love" is less committed than that of the average dog we get from the pound. Perhaps this is the answer:
WOMEN ARE WOUNDED
Women are wounded in many ways. Their parents might wound them. In the world, they are second-class or treated as such. Men are taught to women look down on women and assume superiority, although facts say the opposite. About 50% of women are sexually molested at home, and that grooms them for exploitation. Others are abused by thought, word and deed; mental, emotional and physical abuse. All these assaults, these wounds, make a woman less capable of picking the right man. Will she choose a man who will continue the treatment she's used to? Does abuse feel so comfortable she doesn't fight back (or walk away) when a man does it to her?
Does she feel so desperate for love that she picks anyone who will have her, rather than stay alone until the real thing comes along? (That is one of the major reasons women get monsters.)
1 WOUNDS FROM THE PAST
Wounds from the past make a woman incapable of using the intelligence she has. She is not a rational, sensible, stable person, but a needy, confused, disoriented person. How can she make a logical, sane decision, when her mind is reeling from so many blows? She has been trained, programmed and prepared by her past that she's not valuable. Society then tells her she isn't worth as much as a man. Where does she go for salvation? Unless she goes to the Higher Power, and finds God within herself, the chances of finding success and peace are minimal.
2 A TORTURED WOMAN FEELS 'I MUST SUFFER.'
If a woman feels she must suffer, all is lost! She'll just keep on suffering, because she'll draw it to her. What makes her feel this way? It's guilt, and lack of self worth, and lack of confidence. What causes it? She's trained to hate herself, to look down on herself. If a fine man comes along, she won't have him. He doesn't feel right because she must suffer! When the wrong man comes along - the one who makes her suffer - he'll do just fine. She feels comfortable because it is what she is used to. It's like an addiction. Now she has someone to blame, and that makes her feel better. ( A good man makes her feel EVEN MORE GUILTY and that guilt is a terrible burden! ) She needs an evil man to hurt her so she can feel justified and tell her friends how evil he is. But she will not leave him because then she'll be all alone with her terrible, frightening guilt! Again, that guilt comes from those who disparaged, abandoned, neglected and abused her early in life.
3 'I MUST FIX HIM' - I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM!
This is another form of guilt. Her guilt is like a cannon that got loose and fell to the wrong person. Did she make this man evil? Is she to blame for his sins? Who appointed her his guardian, his savior? Did God come from on high and tell her to fix him? He may have to live, by Yoga standards, a thousand more lifetimes before he grows up, and she'll fix him? Even God will not fix this man, because he resists grace. This man will drag her into the pit, a slow martyrdom, and a waste of time. This is what the truly evil do to us. Those that will not be redeemed because they will not repent are beyond anyone. To think that a woman can fix this mess is one of the biggest lies she tells herself. She must awake to this truth and it is plain and simple: You cannot fix or help someone who does not want to be fixed. Satan wants to yoke you with someone impossible so that they will drag you down into Hell with them. A friend once told me to stay away from those who are evil, as they only want to destroy us. Truer words were never spoken.
There is an article I wrote where Flora Jessup - a polygamy escapee and activist - says to me that she works only with survivors, not victims. She defines victims as those who hang onto you and make you do everything. A survivor asks for help so they can help themselves. You give them a hand and they walk stronger. But a victim, when you give them a hand, pulls you into their own quicksand. They really don't want to be saved - they just want you to be their companion in Hell. That is what a truly evil man (or woman) will do. They will drag you down to where they are, and you will never be able to save them!
"Handy-woman Specials" are not candidates for husbands or friends!
There is the idea that "I will fix him, he will appreciate it when I'm done and I'll have a great man." It don't work that way! I was warned by a wise man not to expect the losers I help to become my friends. They are not friend material. Losers or down-and-outers (and some of them live in houses, not on streets) are CLIENTS. As a minister, social worker, do-gooder, you must find friends elsewhere. What is a friend? Someone who in a variety of ways is your EQUAL. An equal stands shoulder-to-shoulder with you and is capable of holding you up when you are down. Those who are "all broke up" cannot support you! When they get back on their feet it's "goodbye!"! You cannot wait for thanks or support, as it's not coming. Jesus healed ten, and one came back to help him. He said,
"Where are the other nine?"
When you help the broken, assume God will reward you, but don't look for friendship or support when they get on their feet!
The parrallel here with men is if you find a broken man and fix him, (if such a thing were possible,) he will also go on his merry way. He will probably tell his friends HE FIXED YOU, not the other way around. You told people you felt sorry for him - he was needy - but he'll tell people HOW NEEDY YOU WERE! Another note is that YOU CANNOT FIX CHARACTER.
You can fix small things, like ignorance in manners or personality quirks he's not aware of - the kind of things like training a dog to be housebroke. But CHARACTER you cannot change. If a man is faulty in character you will be 95 by the time he changes, if then. A character you are born with and you die with, lest God Herself changes you. If a man is faulty there, kiss him goodbye. By character you have MORALITY. If a man lies, cheats or steals YOU CANNOT REPAIR HIM. The three always go together. If a person lies he also cheats and steals, if he steals, he also lies and cheats, etc. (By lies I do not mean little white lies or lies everyone is guilty of . I do not mean lying about your age or how much sex you have had, or obvious things no one wants to tell! I mean when a person has been to see a woman for the weekend but says he visited his sick Mom...or he tells you he has no money for bills because he wants to spend it on himself...or tells you people said things they never said, etc.) When you look for a friend, you look for an EQUAL. When looking for a man, also look for an equal. He should be about equal in intelligence, morality, learning, abilities, talents. They may be different, but you fill each other's gaps. My husband Richard knew little about the humanities - psychology, spirituality - but he was extremely intelligent in the ways of the world and of the finest moral character. He held me up when I was down. He comforted me - he cared. He didn't sneak behind my back to hurt me, to bring me down, to torture me. He was above board. It took me many years to know him and I took plenty of time to marry him. On the other hand, I married an evil man at age seventeen. Twenty years my senior, he was a putz who took advantage of my situation and trapped me into marriage and motherhood. I nursed him through cancer till he died and then learned he purposefully cancelled his life insurance. The baby and I were pennyless. I survived; he's in Hell where he belongs. This marriage was not my fault, not even due to ignorance. It was what I would call a "circumstantial dilemma." Having run away from home, and being left on the street by the photographer I wouldn't lay (the man who took me to California) I had few options. With people as they are, when you are desperate, it is more likely you'll meet a devil than a saint.
If you want a friend, find an equal. The same goes for husbands.
Do women really love monsters? Perhaps not, but there are reasons why they stay with them. To look at the bigger picture, we must see that society does not help women enough. It tolerates sexual abuse, with little punishment for men. This breaks down women for further abuse. Women who fight back against men who beat and intimidate them are punished by the judicial system. A woman killing a man in self defense will get a term seven times longer THAN A MAN MURDERING A WOMAN JUST BECAUSE HE FEELS LIKE IT. Society tolerates male violence, because it is expected. Female violence, in self defense, is frowned upon! This is why you, as a woman, must make every effort to first weed out all the men who may be violent, and after that, get rid of those with other offenses.
Perhaps the most important factor in women's plight with monsters is that SOCIETY DOES NOT TEACH WOMEN TO SUPPORT ONE ANOTHER. If women had lots of female friends - like a support group - who would be ready to take them and their children in during times of need - life would be so much easier. But women are taught that life centers around having a man. It doesn't, but that's what Patriarchy wants us to believe. If women stuck together, and provided resources, men would be beaten. Sisterhood would be the total answer to Patriarchal abuses. Our society purposefully and consciously turns women one against the other, so they will have nowhere to go. Women are taught to hate, not respect one another. We are a bunch of creatures that must fight one another for men and the resources they contain, and all the wonderful things they give us. This is one of the biggest lies of society. If women stuck together for work, leadership, resources, men wouldn't have a leg to stand on. If a man knows that a woman has three friends she can call to get away from him, he would be slow to abuse her. If a woman has nowhere to go, no one to turn to, she's fair game! Pull out all the stops! Treat her any way he feels like as she can't escape! Sisterhood would not only remedy the personal grief a man gives a woman, but would prevent a lot of child abuse. I said it once and will say it again: WOMEN NEED FRIENDS THEY CAN COUNT ON TO COUNTER THE ATROCITIES OF MEN....
It isn't easy to find a good man in an evil world. But patience and the ability TO BE ALONE will be your weapons! Search into your soul, woman, and see the good in it. Do not look for a man to tell you you are beautiful and worthy of him! Look inside yourself and find the good. Find the beauty God has put in there, and work on it. The greatest resource you have is God and yourself, not a man. What is a man? Why do you expect him to give you self worth? You must find it for yourself. You must work on loving and liking yourself, and then everything will fall into place, INCLUDING FINDING THE RIGHT MAN! If you look for a man to prop you up, you go from prop to prop! You never stand on your own two feet! (Also be perfectly honest with what it is, exactly, you want from a man? Is it money? Emotional? Don't lie to yourself! Being honest will help you see who best fits your needs.) How do you find yourself? By working on your own life and making do. By creating projects (and relationships) you're proud of. By taking care of yourself, health and happiness. For me, this came hard, but nothing good comes easy. I worked on myself for perfect health and wealth, and spiritual well being. Only when I had everything, God gave me the one man who loved me, and that man affirmed and supported me well. Before I started loving myself and was fully confident, such a man never came. (The axiom here is if you want to get a star, become a star. Stars respect stars. If you're a fan or groupie, you'll end up the servant of the star.) I got all the monsters. (Good men came, but I didn't recognize them!) You attract monsters when you don't value yourself enough and let the man have his way with you. Hold yourself aloof sexually. My celibacy served me well. All the great men came after that; the dogs ran away. Woman, it isn't easy. Good luck in finding yourself and one day, a man who is not a monster!
Rasa Von Werder
January 14, 2005